-things lost-

[demonlurking]

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I have lost something…

Once, I was an avid reader. I used to power through books in days.

Once, I went for walks to take pictures. I enjoyed the process of finding the angle, the framing, the texture.

Once, I cooked. I made food for the enjoyment of myself and others. I enjoyed the process of making something flavorful.

Once, I made art. I drew, I made sculptures. They weren’t all good, but I tried my best to bring the shapes and imagery in my head to a physical form.

Once, I wrote stories. Some of them were what one might call fanfic, some of them were simply backgrounds for RPG characters.

Now … I still have those desires, those thoughts, those feelings. But, now, I find myself unable to bring them to fruition. I don’t have the time, the energy, the patience, the motivation, the dedication, whatever, to work on them.

Now … all of my time, my energy, my patience, my motivation, whatever, is dedicated to simply making it to the next day … ensuring that I have a next day to make it to.

I no longer do these things.

I don’t read, I barely read social media, let alone books I once enjoyed. I don’t have time or energy for walks. I don’t really exist during daylight hours to do photography. I don’t find cooking anything more than a chore, necessary to feed myself. Though I am nearly constantly hungry and can never find something satisfying to eat. I don’t make art, though the concepts exist in my head I have lost the abilities to render them in the world. I don’t write, I barely create backgrounds for the RPG characters I do wind up making backgrounds for.

As I make changes in who I am, I realize that that I have been so focused on living day to day, that I’ve lost all passion and purpose.

I know I need to make changes to bring back that passion. But I don’t know how to do so, without that passion, that drive. I am scared to ask for help… I don’t know how. I never learned. I spent so long hiding, so long pretending, so long being the one in control. So long projecting a facade.

I guess I need help figuring out how to ask for help working out what help I need.

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