to strive, to seek, to find ...

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so, i'm now at work. i'll be here until 8am. it's dark.

dinner before work was fun. sushi is good.

i guess i'm going to be doing a muchly interrupted stream of consciousness tonight. thinking can be dangerous sometimes. i have, perhaps, been doing too much of it for my own good. i guess i'll start with my thoughts on LJ. you see, i've never been particularly good at sharing feelings and that sort of thing. i've always been an introvert and tended to be that quiet guy cowering in the corner. i never liked being the center of attention.

and yet, here i am pouring my brain out for (semi) public review. it feels kind of weird and unnatural. that will be the first hurdle, actually using LJ. the second will be learning where to draw the line. i mean, yes, i can spew my inner-most being and every thought and emotion to the world. name names and everything. but should i? is it necessary? is it really what i want to do? can i rant and still be vague enough not to hurt people? it comes down to the ultimate question ... how much of my life do i want online?

so, i guess i should start simple ...

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i've noticed recently that i've become somewhat detached. nothing seems to really affect me. i was kind of noticing it several months ago, but september 11th really pointed it out. it didn't mean anything to me. yeah, people died, lost loved ones, lost jobs, but for some reason there was no reaction other than "ooh wow, that's an interesting structural collapse." i know i spent high-school trying to turn off my emotions, but college, i thought, had brought them back.

i think my lack of reaction affected me more than the actual event. maybe it's true, maybe modern entertainment (ie. tv and movies) really does desensitize you to violence and death. but it's more than that ... i think. i can't really remember the last time i was truly emotionally involved in something. i remember being absolutely crushed by my last breakup. that took me a while to get over. it's just been weird i guess.

maybe it's that i don't have any goals. for a long time my only goal was to get a job and pay rent. now i've got a job. i enjoy it most of the time. but i no longer have anything pushing me. i've begun to float again. i'm not sure it's really good for me in the long run.

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ah well, i need to get back to work.
more later ... maybe

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time to think

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i hate working alone. i mean, it's nice sometimes, but it can be really annoying when my co-workers go home early for whatever reason and i'm stuck here alone. right now i'm looking at the clock and realizing that i've got about 5 1/2 to 6 hours of sitting here waiting for the phone to ring and checking email ... and only my CDs and the web to keep me company. at least i've got the web.

maybe that has something to do with my weird detachment ... the fact that i spend so much of my time awake with nobody around.

hm, i think i think too much. =) i am reminded of an old quote, i think it's still in my plan file somewhere ...

i think, therefore i am;
i think i think, therefore i think i am?
i think i think i think? therefore i think i think i am?
i think i think too much.

it's silly, i know. but it's what i come up with when i sit here for hours waiting for the next stupid user, who doesn't know how to use his computer, to call in and ask me to help him. i'll be lucky if he actually listens to my directions so that he doesn't have to call in again an hour later.

i blame the telephone for my detachment ... yeah, that's it! =) the telephone. i tend to prefer email anyway. y'know, i should stop before i get too silly.

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it's morning and the sunset is obscured by clouds

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sometimes i miss daylight. it's not dark when i go home from work, but i'm not exactly awake at that point either. i'm feeling kinda ill again. headachy, tired, maybe i just need food or something. i wish i could figure out if i really wanted to go to work tonight. i don't think i do, but i'm probably going to anyway.

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and here i was thinking it was taken care of

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so, i discovered this morning, as i was leaving work, that my mother is an even bigger bitch than i thought she was. turns out that she hasn't been paying back my student loans like i thought she was. (she said she had been last i talked to her) she never even told me that they had tried to notify me that my deferment had ended. i'd told her to send me the info so i could change my contact info with them. so my address wasn't the one in cali, but the one here. stuff like that. so, she's probably been collecting the letters in a pile to either give to me when i go home again, or mail in one huge chunk. unfortunately, PHEAA has gotten pissed and when my taxes went out, they sent a letter to my work asking to garnish my wages.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

so, until that $5400 is paid off, i'm going to be loosing a chunk out of my paycheck. i mean, if i'd known that i needed to pay, i'd do it gladly. but because my mother is a bitch, i didn't even get the option. the big problem is that i can't even contact PHEAA about it because the only info i have about my loans is in cali with my mother. =(

i am not a happy camper.

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